Log in

the journal of a man, or my paltry attempt. [entries|friends|calendar]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

In search of that line [24 Jul 2008|07:24am]
[ mood | discontent ]

My indignant anger is once again forced into confinement, this time for the "sake" of others. I've been told, "Be part of the solution not the problem." One of those sayings from my father, and we know how those turn out, but it is also a sentiment echoed by many others. However, now I'm being told not to vocalize my issues with others because they're "too negative" and that people don't like my criticism because "it isn't nice." They take issue with my issues and seek not to solve it for that would require effort, but to mask it like a rug over a stain. Out of sight out of mind, unfortunately some of us can't forget what we have once seen.

Please allow me to lock myself in a dark room because the needs of many outweigh the needs of the few; my surroundings should coincide with my feelings.  Let me be apologetic for pointing out your weak areas so that one might improve.  Obviously you have previously identified such areas and in your great wisdom decided ignoring it to be the best course of action.  Let me give you this sharpened blade so that you might dull it as you would my wit, even though a dull blade is the most dangerous.  Don't ask me to stop being who I am, just buy my silence.

With my tongue seemingly so clipped my soapbox shall become nothing more than a platform to hand out pamphlets.  Perhaps the writing will be a cathexis for my anger.  Emotional turmoil swept under a rug, a facade covering another stain.

When two plates collide one of them does not resign itself to doom and plunge head first into a molten hell without a fight.  So I ask you, when our faults converge where will the fault line be?

2 comments|post comment

out of the game, time to upgrade? [20 Oct 2007|09:23am]
[ mood | confused ]

14 weeks since my last post. . .Is posting nothing better than posting worthless crap?  I've been on facebook in an attempt to find people who go to the same community college as I do, or at least live in the general area, but to no avail.  So that's where I've been.

Lately I've found myself skirting the edge of minimum requirements for computer programs.  (Or below it in the case of bioshock.)  So it seems like time for an upgrade, after all my current machine is probably 3 years old.

After looking at stuff it's apparent it won't be an upgrade, more like a complete rebuild. . .
Currently I'm using: amd 64 2.5ghz, 2 IDE 120gb hard drives, 1gb ddr 337 (or something like that), and an AGP ati radeon 9800 pro. . .
By today's standards it's almost a dinosaur, everything now being pci-express, SATA, and even power supplies have doubled in wattage.

I found some stuff that looks good, but would like any opinions/advice from those who are more current on technology.  (I can't believe I actually said that.)

AMD 64 x2 3ghz
Asus M2A-MVP AM2 480x
xfx geforce 8600gt 256
radeon x1950pro 512
geforce 8600gt 512
radeon x1950pro 512 256bit
I can handle hard drives, RAM, and cd-drives on my own.

4 comments|post comment

Missing from the nutrition facts box: food for thought. [08 Jul 2007|11:22am]
[ mood | amused ]

I think I'm about two weeks into summer quarter and philosophy (intro) is already amusing.  Instead of using a textbook we're using books that the philosophers wrote.  (Even with around six books the total cost was less than a textbook...makes you wonder about the publisher-school complex.)  Predictably we started in Ancient Greece with the "Dialogues of Plato" [Or what I remember Socrates supposedly saying with some artistic license.]

Possibly more interesting than the philosophy was learning some of the history and culture that isn't covered or taught in school.  This becomes important in the Symposeum, where a group (and likely drunk due to the festival of Dionysus aka making frat parties pale in comparison) discuss if Eros is a god or not, the nature and purpose of Eros, what is love, what is beauty, the nature of desire, etc.  Knowledge about Eros is known as "erotics," I think you can feel in the blanks there.  But this isn't as clear-cut as one might think, which brings us to:

Greek Culture they most likely didn't teach you.
-Of all the naked statues males ones were more common and appeared long before anyone thought to make a female statue.  (Many of the better known female statues are in fact Roman, Renasaince, or during one of the Classical comebacks.)  In fact many religious/mythological statues had erections...  There's even an event of recorded vandalism (in Ancient Greece) where someone went around and broke off that part of the statues.

-Beauty was defined as masculine.  The male body was beautiful and was the standard.  (Then why is Aphrodite female?)

-Only males could be citizens.  Only males went to school etc.  (Except for in Sparta where females received schooling and combat training, though not as extensive as the males.)

-A male would be married when he was older, 30-40ish or even older, the bride however would be 15.

-All of this combined to; men are better, women are dumb (no education), overly childish (the age difference), and my wife doesn't understand me.  In other words, homo-eroticism was the norm, but everyone would be married to the opposite sex to fulfill their duty to the state aka have kids.  If a younger male was more on the hetero side he'd have to settle for prostitutes and/or slaves.  They also weren't monogamous by any stretch.  In fact ancient dildoes, clay pottery painted with "instructions", and pottery with pornographic art have all been discovered.  (But then again by looking at the adventures of Zeus who can be surprised?)

I find this very amusing as Ancient Greece is put upon a pedestal (or should it be a dorian column?) in our society for being one of the great civilizations and for its ideas that influenced us.  When in reality the "democracy" at Athens was as like the Roman Senate, but with many more people.  Then of course we're mostly monotheistic, Ancient Greece wasn't, a fair amount of our society wants us to see homosexuality as "abnormal, bad, a sin," while in Ancient Greece it was expected...
We praise an Ancient Civilization that in some ways is our opposite.

Greek History on its own could be a crazy soap opera, and adding the mythology would only amplify it. 

Tangent:  A few weeks ago I started playing Guild Wars.  Anyone else play or had played it?

2 comments|post comment

Leave a cryptic note and head into the shadows. [23 Jun 2007|09:52am]
[ mood | listless ]

Last wednesday Spring Quarter ended.  I managed to survive my first quarter of (community) college.  3.6 in psych 100, and 2.0 in writing 101 (pretty much only did the papers).  Monday I start summer quarter with First Aid/CPR (for the physical education requirement and that I know all of it because of boy scouts) and intro into philosophy.

It seems I've been reorganizing and re-arranging my room this whole month in order to maximize space.  However due to the size of my room and furniture it's like playing that game rush hour, constantly having to move things around in order to move something else.  Luckily I figured out a design that appears to be the best, so hopefully I can stop moving furniture soon.

Thanks for the ideas about the wireless adapter.  I disabled the pci adapter and hooked up a usb adapter and everything is working.

I don't remember if I mentioned this, but last summer my dad got remarried and now this summer my mom is going out.  But whatever, so far the guy seems pretty cool, even if he and my mom go to the same church.  Though it is somewhat surreal (but also somewhat expected) that my mom is having a social life and going out me.  Statiscally average-wise it's odd, but when you toss me into the mix it makes more sense I guess.

Speaking of religion, two weeks I ago I think it was, I came across the christian channel.  Sandwiched inbetween the hallmark channel and the intense gripping coverage of the senate/house/local/state goverment channels.  Usually I'd just ignore the channel, but ninja turtles were reruns (damn you 4kidstv!) and I came upon a show called "Bibleman."  Think of the cheesiest, corniest, campiest, live action superhero show aimed at young kids then toss in a bible and trying to teach theology.  I thought I was going to die...from laughing.  "Breastplate of rightiousness!"  Unfortunetly his costume had boots instead of Jesus Sandals, but I don't think Jesus Sandals come in spandex with reinforced plastic armor...

I also saw History of the World Part 1 by Mel Brooks (same guy who did the Frankenstein parody) and there's a hilarious scene involving the Spanish Inquition.  With a game show, a song and dance routine (monks and inquisitors doing the can-can!), synchronized swimming nuns, and a waterslide!

I came across an interesting local band (though they have fans and do shows in other states) called Abney Park.  I can't describe the sound, but you can listen to some tracks on mp3.com and the like.  (They're also steampunk freaks which is amusing.)

3 comments|post comment

courtesy of the telescope across the street. [27 May 2007|10:23am]
[ mood | curious ]

3 comments|post comment

so far so good... [01 May 2007|07:24am]
[ mood | amused ]

I'm really liking this song, I should hear the original version by Morrissey as well.  All of the covers on AFI's decemberunderground (at least on the extended/enhanced/etc version) are quite good in my opinion.

Oh, you look so tired
Mouth slack and wide
Ill-housed and ill-advised
Your face is as clean
As your life has been, so

Crash into my arms
I want you
You don't agree
But you don't refuse
I know you

And I know a place
Where no one is likely to pass

You don't care if it's late
And, you don't care if you're lost

And oh, you look so tired
But tonight you presume too much
Too much, too much
And if it's the last thing I ever do
I’m gonna get you

Crash into my arms
I want you
You don't agree
But you don't refuse
I know you

I like how the lyrics don't take the more obvious approach to the Jack the Ripper subject.

Anyhow, everything has been going pretty well for me so far.  I have finals June 12, and I'm already halfway done with my first quarter of college.

On yet another note, I'm looking for some steampunk and/or cyberpunk stuff.  I'd prefer to focus on things with visual elements as opposed to say a novel.  [But comics are always good!]
Here's what I've already checked out:
Dark City
Matrix Trilogy
Full Metal Alchemist (show and movie only)
Shadow Run (Various RPG books and the old NES game)
Rifts RPG (not quite cyberpunk but has elements)
Arcanum (computer game, from the fallout guys I think.)
Johnny Mnemonic (the movie.  Does Keanu Reeves have a thing for sticking technology in his head?)

That's all I can remember at the moment, feel free (and please do) reccomend some stuff.  If you don't mind say what kind of media it is as well, since some things have multiple versions, were based off a comic book etc.

2 comments|post comment

What goes up must come down. [10 Apr 2007|12:08pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

For awhile I let the world lull me into a false sense of security, my life seemed to be looking up. After two years of trial and error my medication cocktail was finally perfected; I no longer had to deal with a muted shade of happiness and enjoyment. I passed the GED and finally signed up for college. For once it seemed that my life was going somewhere.

I was apprehensive when I started college, but that soon slipped away. It is completely different from highschool, I was amazed that what people said was true. This was something I could deal with, compared to highschool this was a dream, perhaps even a small glimpse of heaven.

However it seems the world has decided my time in the sun is up. Like most things it starts off small, if noticeable at all. I was blinded by my surroundings, occupied with trying to integrate myself, on an emotional high. In other words, the perfect time to strike.

The second day of school I went to purchase textbooks. I could only find my psychology book, both the books I needed for writing were gone. I should have expected it coming after that, but for once I was optimistic. The bookstore claimed there was a "computer glitch" and were unsure when more would come in.

I left thinking that I'd just have to wait, my classmates were in the same situation, so we couldn't be penalized for it. However, a classmate informed me that amazon.com had both books I needed. The option seemed perfect and to top it off Amazon HQ is near Seattle meaning shipping would be fast. I ordered the books.

One book shipped the next day, the other for some reason the day after that. I thought I was in a safe place, surely I'd have the books before the bookstore got their act together. Thursday the bookstore got in both books. I still wasn't worried, my books would be here soon, and we weren't even using the books yet.

I'm sure most of you can see where this going, after all we are talking about me.
We started using one of the books.
Saturday I got one of the books, the one we haven't use yet naturally.

I wasn't going to let it get to me. It couldn't get to me, I felt like a new person. But I didn't count on the snowball effect. Bigger, and bigger, I was only hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I held out, knowing that each business day brought me closer.

Out came the trump card; a take home paragraph answer quiz on chapter 2 (the writing process) and the example essay. I felt my body wanting to panic, I felt my anger surging. But all hope was not lost. The book might of come today, waiting for me to check the mailbox...

Fate, however, decided not just to be cruel, but also ironic. The book did come, but the mail man was a substitute. Instead of leaving the book at the leasing office (which the mailboxes are attached to nonetheless) he left a slip of paper stating that I could pick it up tomorrow...

Is this what I get for trying to take initiative?

1 comment|post comment

oh yeah.....about that.... [24 Mar 2007|02:36pm]
[ mood | stupid. ]

I think I forgot I had this. It sounds stupid, but I can't think of anything else that's mildly logical. I'll just blame it on being one of my phases.

On another note, (and so this entry says more than "I'm an idiot.") my interest in comic books (and thusly graphic novels) has increased. I was curious to see if anyone knew of a site where one could read/download comics, books, and items of that nature. So far I've just been using isohunt.com for torrents, but being torrents they have a tendency to be disorganized grab bags to say the least.

And April 2nd I finally start school; math, writing, psychology. After pwning the hell out of the GED test. (Though it seems a rather dubious honor...)

For those of you betting on the suicide method you all lose, again.

9 comments|post comment

like a fish out of water. [07 Oct 2006|02:06am]
[ mood | discontent ]

I feel pretty lonely, isolated, even alienated to some extent. I need to make some friends here, but I honestly don't remember how to.

I moved away from my real person friends by moving here, though many of them were going to be moving away for college.

Not having my computer has kept me out of touch with my internet friends. This computer freaks out whenever I try to view my friends page, it crashes whenever I try to log on AIM, and naturally this computer can't run any of the online games I played so I can't talk to those friends either.

To me it feels like bad irony; I don't normally like people, I don't like social situations, I'm practically a recluse and yet I want friends... And naturally practically anyone who would be a friend canidate would exhibit the same qualities to some extent, doesn't help matters.

In the apartment complex it seems everyone is younger or older than me; the closest being late middle schoolers and drunk college students, hardly my type. Of course if any "geeks" lived here they probably wouldn't be outside very often and might as well not even exist. [Then again can something exist without you knowing about it before hand?]

It almost seems rediculous, how hard can it be to find geeks and nerds in the Seattle area? So far it seems damn hard.

And to top it all off, depressed people aren't exactly fun to be around.

1 comment|post comment

cabbage of doom vs. zeus [02 Oct 2006|01:52am]
It's rather difficult to play any games on this pretty much piece of junk computer, and the internet can only keep you amused for so long. To hopefully solve this problem I decided to see if I could any emulators to work on this computer. Well, this computer is so bad that it can't pretend to be a N64 or a playstation one...so I've been playing random game boy advance games until my lack of awesome video game skills take me as far as I'll get, or I just get bored. Then suddenly the other day I remembered Gunbound, and started playing it again. However I can't decide what mobile I should stick with; trico (what I used to use), or lightning/lovebot. Anyhow, if anyone still plays GB my guy's name is boerk in case you feel the need to "pwn n00bs" or something.

Another mostly pointless post from me.
3 comments|post comment

checking vitals. [09 Sep 2006|07:10pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I haven't been updating because I still haven't been doing much, or things that I could possibly talk about I don't feel comfortable stating. (Hopefully I'll have a psychologist/psychiatrist by the end of this month...)

I'm also having problems viewing my friends page, (well I've had that problem since I used this computer) where the scroll bar goes abit crazy. It isn't moving on it's own, but it's very delayed (I guess one could say it's "laggy") to the point where I can't read anyone's entries.

I've been mentally out of it/spaced out for the past two days or so and I'm not sure why. Friday we got cable hooked up, and at midnight in my not-so-clear state of mind I watched Brazil. I think it's one of the weirdest movies I've seen. (Though I imagine being spaced out only added to the oddness.) It's like 1984 mixed with Dark City in the style of Charlie Chaplin.

3 comments|post comment

coming out from under the rock. [21 Aug 2006|11:30am]
[ mood | blah ]

Finally got internet service last friday, or maybe it was the friday before that, I don't exactly remember. Keeping with my current trend, I don't have a lot to say, in fact I haven't been doing much of anything.

Unfortunetly, while the internet is doing fine, the computer I'm using is not. It's an old HP with a celeron (Windows won't even display the speed...) and 127 mb of ram...and to top it off it's running Windows ME. It likes to freeze, lockup, crash, restart, blue screen and all kinds of other fun stuff. Been running virus and spyware checks to see if they would help, and they haven't. (Of course the computer kills itself when they're running half the time to begin with...) Would updating the operating system to a non piece of shit help at all? I'm worried that some of the components/hardware might be so old and/or outdated that a newer OS like XP might have compatibility issues...

11 comments|post comment

tabula rasa? [20 Jul 2006|12:11pm]
[ mood | blank ]

Tabula rasa, "blank slate" in Latin. That's how my life feels like currently. It turns out the moving company my mom hired are scammers, odds are I won't be seeing any of my stuff again. My mom filed complaints and other things with various Government departments and stuff, so I suppose there is some hope. I think it was the better business bureau said the moving company has 22 days to contact us or deliver the goods, other wise we get to take them to court. However, if it does go to court and we win, it could be years before they actually pay if they don't declare bankruptcy or something like that. So it sucks pretty much, but there isn't a whole lot I can do, so I just feel pretty blank and numb. I imagine my anti-anxiety medication is helping alot, otherwise I'd probably be freaking out.

I just felt that I needed to just say all that, but don't worry about me and stuff, my mom has friends who are giving us their extra furniture. Though, if you ever plan on moving, make sure you research the moving company, there's a site www.movingscam.com that has a list of bad companies and forums where people can talk about their experience with a specific company.

On another note; yesterday (the 19th) was my birthday, I was 19 on the 19th. (I find that amusing.) I went out to dinner with my Mom's parents and her brother and his family.

I know I haven't really been active here lately, in terms of updating or even just reading my friend's posts, but I felt like I should say that my other grandma is moving on saturday and I've been using her computer. I can use the internet at the library if I have to, but I don't know if I'll actually do that or not. I think one of my Mom's friends has an extra computer that she's going to let us use, but I don't know how soon we'll have an internet connection or what have you.

Anyhow, I hope the rest of you are having better luck than me. (Though I quickly scanned my friend's page and it seems that things aren't going to well for other people as well :( )

1 comment|post comment

when the rope snaps. [14 Jul 2006|04:03pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

Lots of little things have happened, and I feel that some sort of update is in order, or at the very least a notice that I'm not dead [yet].

We have an apartment and can move in on saturday.

However the movers are being a general pain in the ass. They came on the 25th or 26th of June and charged double their estimate. They stated that it would take 10-18 days to get out here, and it would take four days to crate everything up for the cross-country trip. [Not sure if the crating was included in the time it would take.] They're supposed to call two days after they leave the warehouse, and two days before they arrive to deliver, they have not done either. My mom has been calling them to get information about their location to no avail. She is either forced to leave a voice message and is never called back, or they say that a recent storm messed up their phone and they can no longer make out going calls. She got the number for the dispatcher and he wasn't there. In other words, I don't have my stuff, and I'm going crazy.

I can't take the GED until I'm 19 (5days) [you can take it earlier but it requires paperwork from your school district] however the closest testing date is September 15... I probably won't be going to community college till the spring it looks like, or possibly not even until next year.

Amusingly, our apartment is across the street from the community college, that I can't yet go to. Various authority figures have stated that if I'm not going to school then I have to get at least a part time job, however there isn't a whole lot in walking distance, and if I took a bus I'd most likely have to deal with transfers and all that.

Today I found out that my dad got remarried. He sent a letter to my Grandmother (whom I'm currently staying with) and to my mom informing them of this. Strangely, I'm mostly neutral in terms of how I feel about it [plus he's on the other side of the country] however, in the letter he explained his actions and they seem to explain my own. As in the "vanish and leave everyone in the dark when you get too stressed out" thing. I'm not completely sure if it works this way, but I guess now I have nine year old step sister and a step mom, though I doubt I'll wind up meeting them any time soon, let alone having to deal with them.

I think I've said before that I'm scared of failure, and hereditary pattern has me worried. To put it simply my dad's side of the family tree is very complicated; most of the people in it have been divorced and remarried, or just divorced, and there's a strong history of alcoholism and in a few cases drug abuse, and a helping of depression on the side. I'm just worried that I'm destined to follow in the footsteps of everyone else. After all, if I walk in the foot prints that are already there, maybe no one will ever notice me.

5 comments|post comment

Arr matey, I see land! [29 Jun 2006|02:00pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Tuesday night I arrived at Seatac airport in Washington, so I'm now officially on the other side of the country.

The flight was alright, but it was rather cramped, coach seating isn't made for 6'2" people it seems and I feel like I use a few turns on the rack. However, the flight was only 5 hours and non stop, other flights were 8 hours for some reason.

My mood seems to be better overall here as well, I'm not sure if this because of all the build up about moving is over or this side of the country is just better for me. (Though west is better than east, was 66 degrees yesterday and sunny, as opposed to the 95 degree, 100% humidity and random storm Virginia crap.)
If you've never been here or even on this side of the country it's a bit interesting (California doesn't really count) in terms of people and culture etc.

post comment

random news. [20 Jun 2006|12:05pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

Happy belated graduation for those of you who managed to get through highschool.

The movers are coming Monday morning to load all the boxes, and I attempt to keep some state of my sanity in a mostly empty apartment until tuesday (next tuesday) when I hop on an airplane. As to be expected with my luck, when we got the tickets only the middle seats were avaible. Though, it is fortunetly a non stop flight that is supposed to take around 5 hours or so. [The ones with stops were 8+ hours flight time, and then you have the waiting to connect time on top of that.]

Naturally I'm anxious, but I'm supposed to try and not think/worry about it. I've done an alright job of distracting my brain/keeping it busy so far, but I have a feeling when everything is packed I'm going to go crazy until we have to leave for the airport. (I'm hoping my anti-anxiety medication works really well at the airport, but then again, it is a valium derivative so it should.)

So in case I don't see any of you in the next seven days or so, (though really I haven't seen most of you for over a month I think) goodbye or something like that, and good luck with that college thing or whatever you plan on doing. Naturally, I'll still be around on this internet thing, but I think most of you are aware of my pretty spasmodic nature when it comes to that.

3 comments|post comment

So then... [25 May 2006|11:25am]
[ mood | awake ]

It's been awhile and nothing has really happened. However, I felt that I owed it to the people I know to show that I'm still alive.

It's a bit of long story that I don't really care to tell; instead I'll attempt to other a quick summary, overwhelmed, anxious, changing medications around, screwed up sleep patterns, frustration, lack of will, lack of motivation, frustration, fear. Tuesday my mom emailed my counselor and said I will not be coming back to school. I just couldn't take it any more, part of me is wishing that I gave up sooner (say like last year)but then I would have missed talking to those of you who go to school with me. So have fun at prom (if you're going) and have fun at graduation (or rather the party afterwards, or just be glad it's all over.)

Myself, I'm going to work on getting my GED (which I hear should be easy enough) and then look to get a job or enroll in community college, or perhaps both. The end of June I'll be moving from DC back to Seattle, Washington, (or rather suburb of it) which is where I was born. So I'll be moving and everyone will be heading off to college or something. Anyhow, good luck.

I hope to get back into the routine of things and not have such large gaps inbetween my entries. So, how many people thought I was dead?

edit: I upgraded to the sponsored account thing. Hopefully the ads aren't too annoying to you. (I personally don't mind them as they're off to the side and text only.) If causes problems or bothers people let me know and I'll switch back to a free account, though I don't anticipate too many problems. (Seeing as I would be the most likely person to have a problem with ads and the like.)

And I also need to find 10 more userpics...any ideas?

9 comments|post comment

[28 Mar 2006|02:48pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

I'm currently making myself sick. I'm also currently freaking out. I can't do it. My brain just isn't fucking working, I can't think at all. I'm stressed out, overwhelmed over stuff that in the end won't matter. I just want to say "fuck it all," but I won't let myself, so instead of trying to fix the problem, I create more. More and more, until it all gets out of control and there's nothing you can do. I can't fucking take it anymore.

1 comment|post comment

a bad day. [27 Mar 2006|08:22pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

I had a bad day and my post just got erased.

I need help, I don't know how to study and I have 3 Latin quizzes to take on Monday which means a shit load of vocab. I don't know how I can learn it all and it's stressing me out as I think I did very bad on the quiz today, gave the wrong infinitive forms, mind went blank when it came to the third declension, not good.

The quarter ends soon, and I need to finish my make up work, but I can't bring myself to do anything. I'm behind in a few classes, and my anxiety is close to making me freak out. The urge to disappear is already there. I'm just tired of having to deal with my shit. Gah, it just makes me so mad that I have to deal with certain things and other people don't. I mean I didn't ask to be this way, I didn't ask to be born, but none of that matters. I have this image of babies sitting on a conveyor belt being presented to "God," he points at me and utters "Fuck you." Go give this fucking chemical imbalance to someone else, and maybe I won't be such a bitter bastard, resenting anyone who is happy or enjoying their life because I can't. That's what should of been said in the last entry.

post comment

Where the line blurs. [26 Mar 2006|10:46pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

I am unable to put into words my thoughts, no wording seems to be right. However one part is easy to write: I am a bitter person.

post comment

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]